Trio Books
Secrets of Love, Loss, and Forgiveness: Discovering the Loving Life
In an age when we seem to have no time for ourselves, and competition, disconnectedness, and terror form the backdrop of our lives, we must replace fear of living and fear of dying with love. If we are to live and die peacefully, we need revisions of thought and action—paradigm shifts—that are simple, but not easy. Secrets of Love, Loss, and Forgiveness offers tools to bring about these transformative changes and make love, liberty, and happiness a way of life.
In the Foreword, Matthew Fox writes: “I welcome this book, this bard, this storyteller, this self-healer who speaks not just his own thoughts, but the stories of so many he has witnessed in their last days and the many he has witnessed in workshops. The author summarizes the lessons of living and dying, of wisdom and caring. It is a timely book, simple in its message, deep in its analysis, and sure in its offering of methodologies to assist us in ways of mindful living and dying.”
Fear and self-neglect may be clouding our consciousness, but love lies waiting for us within, and Secrets is a spiritual GPS that will guide us home. “You have nothing to lose but your suffering, and love really does provide us with a lighthouse that makes clear the way.”
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Gazing at the Lighthouse: Reflections on the Loving Life
From the sunroom where I wrote this book, a lighthouse on the west end of Bere Island in southwest Ireland is but a mile and a gaze away. The solid predictability of the lighthouse is so comforting, and it winks at me through the darkness. The darkness of the night is often the time when my Mortal mind is still, and ideas bubble forth from the warmth of my Soul and from my eager Spirit that seem like the stuff of dreams. Words from this font of inspiration—my daemon—form most of these short pieces.
I remember a man in a workshop I facilitated who was a very practical engineer, and during the first day he asked several questions because, as he said, he didn’t understand what was happening. His quest for understanding was a reminder to me that our inner world that opens up in workshops and during the night is far beyond understanding by the Mortal mind. When I am gazing at the lighthouse, or I am gazing at my mortal fears and worries with two others in a workshop as part of a trio of explorers, I am “in” love. My three natures—my questioning Mortal who is fearful of living and fearful of dying, my witnessing and wise Soul, and my vibrant and imaginative Spirit—weave in and out together making love, and in those moments beyond understanding I know for sure that love is the only meaning in my life.
I hope that these reflections inspired by the lighthouse will ignite more love within you, and be an aid to navigation through the fears of living and the fears of dying!
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The Wisdom of Dying: Practices for Living
This book evolved as a result of my experiences of starting and developing a hospice in Albany, NY. In the beginning, I was as ignorant about hospices as I was about dying. Looking back on my decade and a half as a psychiatrist I realized that the psychiatry of the time was not a very helpful preparation for this work, steeped as it was in denial of death like our mentor, Sigmund Freud.
For the first few years in the hospice I behaved as I was taught, and kept my distance. As I began to experience my own concerns about dying, I became aware that dying is a great teacher about love and forgiveness if we will listen, and I became a better witness for myself and others. By both acknowledging my own fears and allowing those of others to enter in to me, I became less afraid of the closeness required of one who is able to assist others to heal themselves.
My most important work was having family meetings for almost every family that was involved with the hospice, for everyone in most families needs gentle encouragement to listen to their other family members and themselves. Many will also need a nudge if they are to ask and receive forgiveness and speak about love as they say goodbye. Most families when asked said they did not need a family meeting, usually because of unspoken dark secrets that had been carried for years. So only a small fraction of families have a family meeting in most hospices, and while hospice care is usually kind and loving, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for healing is often missed.
This book, first published in 1999 and now updated, will guide you through some of the mysteries and possibilities that occur in families when one of the members is dying, and lead you through the heart break of saying goodbye and giving thanks, so that all is said and done.
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